Thursday, February 24, 2011

These Latter Days

It is rarely helpful to compare your situation to that of another in hopes of adjudicating between the two.  Life - and how one experiences life - is much too complex for such behaviors.

After many years of doing quite the opposite of the statement I've just written, I began to realize how destructive it was, and began the long process of pruning the patterns that had so deeply rooted themselves.  I had thought I had reached a point in my life where it became more natural to not compare than to compare.  I was thankful; it truly felt like a more human (and freeing) way to live. 

I was in my therapists office this past week and as I spoke, I began to realize that I was falling back into the game of comparison.  My words in the session indicated my need for external justification (by comparing my situation to that of another) for how I was feeling.  To say it another way, I felt as if my life wasn't bad enough to warrant this "low" I'm feeling and thus I would not allow myself to feel it (or feel incredibly guilty for feeling it).  If only I had to manage multiple children at once.  If only I was working in a job as well as being home with our son.  If only I was going to school full-time rather than part-time....  Then!  Then, I could have reason enough for the difficulties I am having...without feeling so ...weak...and fragile. 

Thankfully, I left her office with a renewed resolve to withhold judgment on myself.  My feelings do not always have to be justified.  I am free to have them regardless of whether they may appear to "match" my external circumstances or not. 

And so I acknowledge to myself, and to you, my few readers, that these latter days have been difficult.  More difficult than I let on to you...and to me. 

"I just don't have much left to say.  They've taken their toll, these latter days." (From "Latter Days" by Over the Rhine)

1 comment:

  1. thanks for letting us in your hard days...even if just a bit. and i think the lessons you find difficult learning are ones we all need to learn. i often don't let myself fully feel something because i don't think i should. but i am the only "me" there will ever how can anyone else judge how i am supposed to feel or handle any given situation?
    thanks for the reminder.