Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I hate this part

I caved and ate a candy bar.  It's not even 10 am yet.  Instead of beating myself up over it, I'm asking "Why?"

The excuse I gave myself right before I ate was that I wanted something sweet to eat with my coffee, and once I allowed myself to eat the piece of candy, then I could settle down and focus on my assignment. 

That is a bunch of bullshitsu. 

So then why?  Why did I scavenge for a sweet treat? 

This is a question I have asked myself at various other times and have been unable to come to a satisfactory answer.  How does one even begin to uncover the reasons behind the decisions we make within our addiction weaknesses addiction?  This task seems so arcane to me, especially with regards to food. And yet, the desire to understand continues to follow me and so I keep asking various questions that might help me arrive at somewhat of an answer:

What was I thinking about right before I had the desire to eat?  How I didn't want to follow through with a commitment I made for tonight, how much work I needed to accomplish before tomorrow....my church of long ago and the pain associated with remembering, my church in the present and the pain associated with going, the desire to connect with God, the desire for God to be real...the longing for the belief that God really does care. 

How was I feeling before I ate the candy?  Hmm.  Thinking back, I guess I felt stressed on the surface and sad within the deeper parts of me. 

At what point did I decide to eat the candy?  As soon as I began to recognize the feelings of sadness. 

How did I feel or what did I think when I took the first bite?  I thought, "This doesn't taste very good."  "I don't have to finish it."  "I might as well finish it."  "Ok, I'll finish it."  "Now what do I do?"  As soon as I finished eating it I felt the familiar emotion of disappointment and the realization that it wasn't what I was looking for. 

Was there any point where I made a good decision?  Yes, as soon as I realized that it was not the candy I was looking for I paused and asked myself what I truly wanted in that moment.  Part of the answer was to feel connected with myself again.  And so I turned to this blog as one way of processing my actions with the hope that in doing so I would feel more connected. 

And I do.  Thanks for "listening". 

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