I wonder if this time will be different. I wish I could say I'm simply picking up where I left off...but I'm not. A lot has changed in my life since I last tried and I fear that I lack the energy and focus to succeed.
The past two years have taken a toll on me and I simply seem unable to find my way again. But I remember times past when each little decision made for the better resulted in a 50 pound weight loss. And the part of me that remembers what that felt like continues to try and point me towards taking that first step. But the first step always seems the most difficult.
Why is it so hard to begin, when I know that it's the accumulation of small steps that result in a big loss? Is it because I know how long it takes? Does that dissuade me? Is it because I am afraid of losing my drug of choice; what will comfort me when I feel sad, stressed, tired, or angry? Is it because I am afraid of failing? Of trying, yet again, and then realizing I cannot follow through? Is it because I am afraid of being thin? (Where will I hide?) Of being healthier? (And saying a forever "No" to baking my kick-ass desserts?)
How does one break the patterns of behavior that have settled like concrete in the synapses of my brain? I've read that when an addict has changed his or her behavior and created new patterns of response (instead of a drug of choice) the old patterns are still there, lying dormant, but the new patterns can be created and strengthened over time. Both realities scare the shit out of me. For if the old patterns are simply lying dormant, they could rear their ugly heads once more in a fit of gluttonous relapse. And I've discovered that when they do they are harder to get rid of the second time around. And although new patterns can be created (there is hope for us all!) it's the "strengthened over time" part that is daunting. Just how long is this going to take? Will the work ever be "over"? I know the answer is "No".
All these reasons, and more that are unknown to me, restrain me from taking the first step towards health. And so I wait...wait for light...
I know it will come. I know I will not forever reside in the land of relapse. But the first step is so hard.