What is it with me and food? I am not hungry and yet I eat. I am full and yet I want more. Sometimes what I eat doesn't even taste good but I keep eating it, making excuses and excuses...
"I already started it - I should finish."
"It's a special treat I might not get another chance to eat."
"No one will see me if I eat it."
"I don't want to hurt his/her feelings."
When did I develop such an unbelievably unhealthy relationship with food? And how do I break it?
I thought I had "healthy eating" down - and then became pregnant and then gained 30 pounds and then lost 20 and then gained 20 and then lost 20 and then gained 20 and then lost 20 and then gained 20. I have gained and lost more weight these last two years than my whole lifetime. (It was just the same pounds, over and over).
I feel incredibly, utterly stuck. I write blog after blog (mostly in my head) about how I want to do better, how I need to do better, how I will do better. And for a moment, I believe I can.
On the rare occasion I share about this in person, some will offer solutions about "choosing not to eat the trigger foods, or not to overeat on regular meals, or to exercise more, or to blah blah blah". I smile and nod but roll my eyes internally. They don't know the power food has over me.
I attended OA meetings off and on for a few months many years back and I remember having such a difficult time acknowledging that I was an addict (as was/is the customary introduction of an OA attender). I wouldn't say the word - I couldn't say the word. I didn't believe it to be true. Not me - not food. That's ridiculous!! Right?